So far we’ve covered Deny and Attack of the DARVO method of coercive control. The way I’ve called them “step 1, 2, 3” isn’t dissimilar to how DARVO is laid out by other scholars and practitioners; But I do want so say (again) that the overlap of these elements is significant. Which I’ve learned up close and personal with the abuse tactics Michelle Culhane has employed against me, and many other people–past and present.
Looking back it is disturbingly easy to spot the ways she groomed me to believe her denials/attacks/reversals against previous victims (originally cast as all those exes or former friends who were “crazy” and proclamations that “until you, I told everyone “No more dating!!” There were a couple of idealized outliers in there too, which imight seem fascinating, but really just allows her to build in a modicum of believability–if it was EVERYONE (and it is, though) then that would look too wild for the suspension of disbelief she banks on with all of us.
Of course I regret (like we all have or eventually will ) giving her the benefit of the doubt, rather than you all. But, we work with the data we have at the moment. And I promise I immediately started doing better once I got clarity to know better.
It is also noteworthy to mention that embedded in her making herself their victim, she planted subtle seeds of “this is how I’ll talk about you when it doesn’t work out.” Plus, there was her willingness to acknowledge that she keyed her ex-wife’s car (of course, with some RVO whipped in there for justification flavor, because the legal system evidence that charged and fined her would have made her look too unsympathetic). Those strategically dropped breadcrumbs hung out in a particular part of my brain that worked overtime for 2 months to justify not leaving this horrifyingly toxic relationship, built on her strategic lies and manipulations. Deep down, I was terrified to leave her for the exact reasons that are playing out right now.
You don’t have to read the lies in her reports to the police, her letters of support written by people she lied to (and/or had high motivation to keep her happy and a paying customer for a poorly-rated contracting business or was that a psychotherapy practice, Mike?), to know the awful things she has said about me. She has also spread those justifying lies that cast me as the abuser and her as a righteously indignant victim who is “fighting back!” (::Slow clapping for Michelle Culhane’s hackneyed performances::) to anyone within earshot. Either at a divorce party celebration in front of a client (the very thing that brought us SlanderConfetti, and ironically a board complaint against me that I will simply show and tell the truth about, which will be dispatched as fast as the glacial system will allow. Thanks baby flying monkey!), or by way of her more grown-up versions of social abuser proxies that are spreading second-hand slander and maybe even fiery vigilante “justice.”
She has her methods. Not particularly intelligent, but effective.
She has her (often) captive audience of heavy-drinkers at each bar she closes out the tab for…or those who don’t drink at all but have swallowed her narrative whole and are now facing the real consequences of siding with a legacy and ongoing abuser posing as a victim. Yes. People pay attention to who you side with. Probably too much. But that’s a different blog post. So, if you’re particularly obsessed with being seen as creditable members of the Queer community, you might want to take seriously, then verify.
A sad story isn’t always true. And I think that people who curate their own victim narratives to garner sympathy for, I don’t know, let’s say long divorces and too-fast next nuptials with their subordinates, might be incentivized to support the lies of another person pedaling a sad story. As I mentioned last post in Attack, we become tools of the abuser when we we are locked into our shame. Yes, even these people (and I’ll say it again, even Michelle Culhane herself) deserve to be more than a set of bad decisions or terrible behavior. But the path will demand things that these folx seem hellbent on avoiding. At least now. They can step onto it at any time.
I’ve experienced first-hand (with many witnesses happy to testify in a defamation suit against her that I haven’t filed yet) the damage incurred by an abuser using DARVO. Michelle Culhane’s destructive behavior has impacted my professional work across multiple settings, my social reputation and ability to participate in civic and community life. Her behaviors (clinical word for fuckery) impact my physical and psychological well-being. Her (ab)use of the legal system as an arm of her “legal” rights to continue abusing me. All of these have a personal cost (what a civil suit can account for) and an economic cost (which the criminal courts can partially address).
I know that people may not want to hear this, but. I couldn’t have PAID for a better learning experience–about the deep costs of individual and collectively disavowed ego shadow (and the attendant inability to take personal accountability).
About the way I was trained that “the therapy environment offers low motivation for dishonesty,” is dishonest in itself.
About the unrelenting nature of my hope for humanity (yes. Especially now. I’m just so much more selective about HOW and WITH WHOM I apply my abundant, sacred hope).
And most importantly: When most of the things that you’ve been silently terrified about finally all happen to you in the span of 8 months; You get to become either more terrified and succumb to the despots and tyrants.
Or. You become what I am. A tested, tempered and verifiable compassionate warrior who stands up for herself with ease (in large part because I’ve done my work along the way to get liberated from shame by facing it, acknowledging where it has power and who is served by that power). And stands up as a way to protect others without bitterness but also without inappropriate sense of responsibility for their journeys.
It is my greatest wish that this blog is of service to my clients and trainees. A service to the longstanding and continued body of work I create in this Life. A service to my inner kiddos who needed to see a strong, loving response to abuse in this lifetime. A service to people who have or are still struggling with toxic abusers (including but not limited to the likes of Michelle Elizabeth Culhane). And maybe even offer a mirror to the part of Michelle who desperately wants to heal from the unbelievably heavy karmic load she is still actively heaving upon herself–but doesn’t know how to start.
It is never too late to stop setting fires. Because even as those you set years ago blaze on inside and outside of you–if you put the matches down long enough to look in the mirror, you have another hand to call for help. Telling the truth this time. But therapy, “magic” and “help” doesn’t work if you keep lying or serving the liar. Especially if who you are lying about, at the center of the story is yourself.
But take note. If you lie about me and it actually matters, you will be held to account. Both by karma and me. One of us works fast, and well within these human systems (thanks unexpected MEC training program!) The other tends to show up, even after you think your little magic spells “finally” worked to offer you solace.
I wish NO ONE ill. And. My mantra from one of my fave healers: Do no harm. Take no shit.
RETURN HOME
Please only ‘Like’ after caution and with intention. The person we’re dealing with here (per the reports of so many women, that I’ve stopped posting tallies of) has a long history of vindictive retaliation at any perceived slight (which includes perceived alliance with me).
For this reason, my process all along has been to NOT post any comment you all make on my posts. However, a ‘Like’ isn’t something I can undo for you. So, if you choose to do so, may it be for your own wise purposes. I continue to recommend to folx: Let’s see how the current restraining orderS and violations will be handled at this level of court before drawing unnecessary attention/fire from the defendant before it can be helpful to you.
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